The
76-year-old woman Walked Down the hallway of Clear view Addiction Clinic,
Searching for the right department. She passed signs for the 'Heroin Addiction
Department (HAD)', the 'Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)' and the 'Bingo
Addiction Department (BAD)'. Then she spotted the department she was
looking for: 'Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)'.
It was
the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the
waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and
i-Phones.
A
middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need
to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."
A
twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands,
while a curly-haired woman comforted him, "Don't worry. It'll be all
right." "I just don't understand it. I thought my update was
LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."
"How
long has it been?"
"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."
The
76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the
receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.
"Please
have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how
it all started."
"Well,
it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had
never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because
I usually have my face in a book." "
"How
soon were you hooked?"
"Faster
than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight
times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle
of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new
friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a
precious thing and should never be outsourced.""What do you like most
about Facebook?"
"What
do you like MOST about Facebook?"
"It
makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six
friends, but on Facebook, I have 674.
"Even
I'm Friends With Juan Carlos Montoya. "
"Who's
he?"
"I
don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."
"Facebook
has helped you make some connections, I see."
"Oh
yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call
them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting
to look at their profiles and figure out who is retired, who's still working,
and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their
updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched,
and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing
a game with some of them."
"Let me
guess. Farmville?"
"No,
Mafia Wars. I’m a Hit man. No one messes with Edna."
"
"Wouldn't
you rather meet some of your friends in person?"
"No,
not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves
up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the
best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive,
because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a
profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower
Administration. "
"What
pic are you using?"
"Well,
I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really
liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."
"To
make yourself look prettier?"
"No, to
take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."
"Didn't
your friends notice that you look different?"
"Some
of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."
"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"
"I
realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my
wall from my husband:"I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you
should know'"
"What
did you do?"
"What else? I unfriended HIM of
course!"
